my spring "break"
This spring break made me realize a few things...
Mike is absolutely amazing (ok, so I already knew this one, but sometimes it just needs to be said again) Mike put up with an awful lot from me this week, and always did it with grace- quite amazing ;)
I really really miss my friends in Madison- I have a great roommate and a few close friends, but other than that, it's just all small talk with acquaintances around here. I'm lonely and being lonely hurts. That's about it.
Wedding planning is a moral debate for me. I am having a terrible time getting my mind to wrap around the fact that I really do have to get into the "wedding game". What is the game? It is a game of materialistic consumer-driven wedding planning. A game of dress shopping (where alterations and accessories can easily cost more than your dress), a game of gift registering (where you impulse shop for everything you'll need over the next 15 years), a game of finding a caterer (where you pick a person to serve food at 3x it's actual cost). There are few ways out of the game, and if you want to marry someone, other than eloping, you pretty much have to play the game. I hate the game- I'm sick of the game- it makes me hate myself for playing it. But there is no choice. So I'm playing the game and trying not to hate myself too much for doing it.
"Home" is a fluid term right now. As soon as I left for college the confusion began. You have home with your parents and home at college with your friends. Spending summers at home at the parent's house keeps the feeling that that is really your home, but as soon as I started spending summers away, that feeling faded. Home can't be a place you just visit. So home became my apartment in Madison with my roommates, and living with the same girls for almost four years gave me a strong sense of family. But now I live in Chicago, am returning to my apartment in Madison for the summer, then moving to Chicago with Mike in the fall. So what is home now? Well, I spent spring break at my apartment in Madison (unfortunately without my roommates) and still feel like it is my home, but I know it's not. So home? Well, it's not really a place anymore. Home is a place where you can be yourself, where you feel safe, where you are comfortable, where you can "unwind", where you are loved. So this break I realized that my home (as cliche and corny as sounds...) is simply in Mike's arms. (So either you just said "awww" or wanted to throw-up.)
And last night. A long bus/el ride home from Madison to Chicago spent realizing how broken I am... or to use a less churchy word, how screwed-up I am. I hurt others, I have a hard time giving myself grace, I long to only love but fail miserably, I give up far too easily sometimes, I cry when things get confusing, I think of myself first, I am a hypocrite, and I have a horrible time remembering I am unconditionally loved, forgiven, and present with God. I sat on the el last night reading my bible, and a few seats away from me was a homeless man. There were teenagers sitting around him that left when he sat down because he smelled and they moved to sit behind me. As they made fun of the man, I knew I should go talk to him. Not to make an example for the teenagers but because he needed to be loved- to know that even though he may not be able to shower or change clothes, he was still a human. He needed dignity. But what did I do? I stayed in my seat, reading my bible and listening to the teenagers make fun of the man. Do I want to be something different than I am? Desperately... but the road to holiness seems to be one of a step forward followed by two steps back.
So spring break... a week of growing up, i guess.
Mike is absolutely amazing (ok, so I already knew this one, but sometimes it just needs to be said again) Mike put up with an awful lot from me this week, and always did it with grace- quite amazing ;)
I really really miss my friends in Madison- I have a great roommate and a few close friends, but other than that, it's just all small talk with acquaintances around here. I'm lonely and being lonely hurts. That's about it.
Wedding planning is a moral debate for me. I am having a terrible time getting my mind to wrap around the fact that I really do have to get into the "wedding game". What is the game? It is a game of materialistic consumer-driven wedding planning. A game of dress shopping (where alterations and accessories can easily cost more than your dress), a game of gift registering (where you impulse shop for everything you'll need over the next 15 years), a game of finding a caterer (where you pick a person to serve food at 3x it's actual cost). There are few ways out of the game, and if you want to marry someone, other than eloping, you pretty much have to play the game. I hate the game- I'm sick of the game- it makes me hate myself for playing it. But there is no choice. So I'm playing the game and trying not to hate myself too much for doing it.
"Home" is a fluid term right now. As soon as I left for college the confusion began. You have home with your parents and home at college with your friends. Spending summers at home at the parent's house keeps the feeling that that is really your home, but as soon as I started spending summers away, that feeling faded. Home can't be a place you just visit. So home became my apartment in Madison with my roommates, and living with the same girls for almost four years gave me a strong sense of family. But now I live in Chicago, am returning to my apartment in Madison for the summer, then moving to Chicago with Mike in the fall. So what is home now? Well, I spent spring break at my apartment in Madison (unfortunately without my roommates) and still feel like it is my home, but I know it's not. So home? Well, it's not really a place anymore. Home is a place where you can be yourself, where you feel safe, where you are comfortable, where you can "unwind", where you are loved. So this break I realized that my home (as cliche and corny as sounds...) is simply in Mike's arms. (So either you just said "awww" or wanted to throw-up.)
And last night. A long bus/el ride home from Madison to Chicago spent realizing how broken I am... or to use a less churchy word, how screwed-up I am. I hurt others, I have a hard time giving myself grace, I long to only love but fail miserably, I give up far too easily sometimes, I cry when things get confusing, I think of myself first, I am a hypocrite, and I have a horrible time remembering I am unconditionally loved, forgiven, and present with God. I sat on the el last night reading my bible, and a few seats away from me was a homeless man. There were teenagers sitting around him that left when he sat down because he smelled and they moved to sit behind me. As they made fun of the man, I knew I should go talk to him. Not to make an example for the teenagers but because he needed to be loved- to know that even though he may not be able to shower or change clothes, he was still a human. He needed dignity. But what did I do? I stayed in my seat, reading my bible and listening to the teenagers make fun of the man. Do I want to be something different than I am? Desperately... but the road to holiness seems to be one of a step forward followed by two steps back.
So spring break... a week of growing up, i guess.
posted by maria at 6:08 AM
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